Sexual Rejection: What to do when your spouse isn’t interested in sex!
According to Google (and we can agree that Google knows all), “sexless marriage” was searched for 3 ½ times more than “unhappy marriage” and 8 times more than “loveless marriage,” making it the most-searched marriage complaint…so I guess it’s time we talk about it. Sexual Rejection is a common issue that impacts many marriages because it’s fairly uncommon for couples to have the exact same sex drive. But before you start comparing your sex life to some movie you watched, some magazine you’ve just read or your friends’, understand that the solution will come through communication not comparison. Everybody is different and not everybody is honest about what really goes on in their bedroom so let’s ditch comparison once and for all.
First, let’s define “sexless.” According to experts, a “sexless marriage” is when the couple has sex fewer than 10 times per year. Approximately once per month or less would be classified as “sexless.” Whether or not you fall into this definition, I would say that if you and/or your spouse are not satisfied with the current frequency of sex in your relationship it is still worth talking about! Sex isn’t the only thing worth talking about in the marriage but it’s definitely an important aspect of a healthy relationship. When talking about your sexual relationship you definitely want to cover at least the following four areas: Emotional, Biological, Psychological and Physical.
Before we run through these four areas let me say something to the husbands and the wives.
Husbands: Your wife doesn’t compartmentalize their life like you do so they’ll usually struggle to connect with you sexually when other areas of the relationship are not nurtured. You can’t ignore them all day, give little to no help around the house, talk crazy to them…and then climb into bed at night like “hey boo!” They don’t compartmentalize like you!!
Wives: Sexual rejection for most men is greater than all other rejection. Their boss can tell them they suck at their job. Their friends from high school can make fun of their weight or hair loss. Some random guy on the street can call them a punk…but nothing comes close to the feeling of rejection they experience when their wives reject their initiation of sex or express disgust at the mention of sex with them. Insecurity, pride, self-worth and a whole pile of other stuff seem to be wrapped up in a man’s desire to be wanted and successful in the bedroom.
Now that we’ve got that settled, let’s deal with sexual rejection. When attempting to uncover why you or your spouse doesn’t seem to be interested in sex it’s important to look at 4 Key areas that might be contributing to this lack of desire.
1. EMOTIONAL
If there is emotional distance or lack of emotional connection in the marriage, your spouse’s desire to connect sexually will likely be impacted. If your spouse has ever said, “It’s hard for me to want to have sex with you when….”:
-I don’t feel connected to you
-We are in conflict
-There is tension
-We don’t ever talk
-It doesn’t feel like we are friends
-You don’t meet my emotional needs
-You don’t ask what I need from you
…the lack of emotional connection is killing their desire to meet your sexual needs.
Generally this is more of an issue for women than it is men, but men are not immune from needing or desiring an emotional connection. If your spouse is not interested in sex with you, ask them if they feel emotionally connected and if not, explore some things you could do that would increase emotional intimacy in the relationship.
**CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO FOR MORE ON INCREASING INTIMACY IN YOUR MARRIAGE**
2. BIOLOGICAL
Now I’m not sure whether you struggled with 10th grade Biology or not, but biology is actually quite simple when it comes to sex. Are you ready? Testosterone influences sex drive. More testosterone leads to a greater sex drive and less testosterone leads to decreased sex drive. Men tend to have higher levels of testosterone than women which is why men tend to have higher sex drives than women. I’m not suggesting that the answer to more sex in your marriage is for you to sneak a testosterone shot into your wife’s buttocks next time she falls asleep, but I am suggesting this is an area you want to explore if your spouse says they feel connected in the marriage but just don’t have any sexual desire.
Evaluating this area of the relationship is as easy as heading to your primary care physician and requesting a blood sample be drawn to test for hormones (testosterone, estrogen, progesterone). If the results indicated low testosterone then have a discussion with your Dr. about the different options for hormone replacement/therapy and make the decision you feel most comfortable with. For many couples, restoring testosterone levels to where they should be can help increase sex drive, assuming many of the other areas we discuss have been accounted for. Increasing testosterone alone will likely not be the answer to overcome an unwillingness to address the Emotional, Psychological and Physical areas of the relationship.
3. PSYCHOLOGICAL
I want to tread lightly on this one because not only can it be a sensitive area for a lot of people but also because we are all so unique when it comes to our psychological makeup and the impact that events in our lives can have on us psychologically. What negatively impacts one person may have little to no effect on another. That said, there are a number of reasons that psychological issues can impact a person’s desire for sex.
-depression/anxiety
-PTSD
-sexual abuse
-negative beliefs about sex
-fears around performance
These are just a few of the many conditions or mindsets that could impact a person’s desire for sex. Additionally, medications given for some of these conditions have “low sex drive” as a listed side effect. When the Biological and Emotional areas of the marriage are good, but sex is infrequent, it could be a psychological hang-up. If your spouse is experiencing any of the psychological conditions listed above or has suffered some type of sexual trauma they will likely have some negative perspectives and beliefs about sex. If this is the case for you or your spouse I would highly encourage you to seek counseling from professionals who specialize in this area. Healing and freedom are possible so don’t give up if this area of the relationship is causing difficulties with your sexual intimacy.
4. PHYSICAL
The final area to explore with your spouse is the physical. It’s possible that your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you because they aren’t enjoying the nature of your sexual activity together. The current activity might not be satisfying to them. They may feel that you are more focused on your own pleasure than on their experience. They may not want to engage in some of the activities you are interested in and feel pressured to do things they are uncomfortable with. They may want to try some new or different things but assume you aren’t interested in exploring these activities. There also might be some discomfort or pain for them with sexual activity that you are unaware of.
As with the other areas we’ve discussed it is important to ask about your partner’s experience during sex. What do they like or dislike? What are some things they are uncomfortable with? Are there things they would like to try that you have not tried yet? Show some concern for their experience in hopes of creating a better environment for both of you.
While this discussion was not meant to be an exhaustive exploration of everything that could be impacting the frequency of sex in your relationship, these four areas will highly impact the desire your spouse has to connect sexually with you. The key to minimizing sexual rejection and increasing sexual satisfaction in your relationship is going to be your communication. Initiate a conversation with your spouse by asking if there is a time they would be available and open to discussing how you could improve the sexual intimacy in your marriage.
For more help on building a strong marriage, check out The Magnetic Marriage on Amazon and order your copy today!
